Dream Analysis


Hello. I am The Amazing VanderHawk!

What makes me so amazing, you might ask? Quite simply, my amazing ability to analyze dreams. And in that analysis, to discover the truth behind your dreams, and behind that truth, to discover the real you. That's right, ladies and gentlemen, I am here to help you discover the true you. By analyzing your dreams, I will be able to help you. Help you to understand you, and who you are, and what you want, and so on and so on, etc, etc, etc.

Please feel free to read on....and to be helped.


This first letter comes from a woman who is deeply disturbed.

Disturbed by a re-occurring dream. Disturbed by unanswered

questions. Disturbed enough to write to me,

The Amazing VanderHawk!


Dear The Amazing VanderHawk:

I keep having this re-occurring dream that truly disturbs me. I hope you can help me and tell me what it all means. In the dream, I am standing on top of a tall building on a busy street somewhere in a big city. I look down and see the people below all moving very quickly, in their cars and on foot. I am holding a red flag and waving it with all of my might. No one seems to notice me. Suddenly, overhead, a large, black crow flies by and swoops down upon me. He grabs the flag out of my hand. Then the crow mysteriously becomes a helicopter!

The helicopter then begins to drop what looks like small dinner rolls on the people below. I begin to scream and I lose my balance and fall off the building. This is usually when I wake up. Please, can you help me and tell me what all this means?

Thank you for your help, Mr. Amazing VanderHawk.

Signed, Disturbed in Detroit

Dear Disturbed:

It sounds to me like you might be a lesbian.
Let me elaborate. You begin by saying that you are standing on top of a tall building. In dream analysis, we all know that tall buildings represent the male penis. By standing on the penis, you are obviously superior to the penis. And therefore a lesbian. But analyzing your dream further, we also know that holding a red flag is significant. The color red in dream analysis represents anger. Either anger or extreme joy. So when you are waving the red flag, you are either angry at the people below, or are extremely happy for them. My guess is that you are waving at them to get their attention, probably to say, "Hey, look at me, I'm a lesbian!"

Next, you mention a black crow that seemingly appears out of nowhere. The black crow is actually your subconscious. Telling you to shut the hell up. We know this because he grabs the red flag. In dream analysis, 'grabbing the red flag' always means, shut the hell up. The crow transforming itself into a helicopter dropping dinner rolls is just too strange for me to comment on. You might want to check out some mental health facilities in your neighborhood. Finally, the screaming and falling is a very common occurence in dreams. And in dream analysis, we all know that screaming and falling means you have a fear of penises. Therefore, you are a lesbian.

This next letter comes from a professional businessperson

with some serious problems. Fortunately, he consulted me,

The Amazing VanderHawk.

Dear The Amazing VanderHawk:

I have a dream that really bothers me, and I know there must be some hidden meaning in it. I hope you can help me. In my dream, I am in my office, hard at work, trying to beat a dead line. (You see, I am a newspaper reporter, and am constantly under pressure to meet deadlines). However, in my dream, as I am working, I suddenly begin hearing a high-pitched siren. I am the only one who hears this sound. My fellow co-workers are oblivious to it. But to me, the sound becomes louder and louder to where I can barely stand it. Then, in addition to the siren, I notice that my desk is suddenly covered with cockroaches!

They are very large and are actually eating the papers I am using. Again, no one in my office sees the cockroaches but me. The dream usually ends with me grabbing my papers when the roaches themselves start to scream like the sound of the siren. This is very disturbing to me and I hope you can shed some light on what all of this means. Thank you for your 'Amazing' help.

Signed, Sleepless in Saugus

Dear SiS:

How pathetic!
This dream does not require a great deal of analysis. You say that in your dream, you are hard at work. Please! No one is ever hard at work in their dreams. Dreams are by nature an avenue for for escape. I've never heard anyone ever say that they are 'hard at work' in their dreams. Be honest with yourself and don't you dare lie to me!

Anyway, you then say you begin to hear a 'high-pitched siren' of some kind. In dream analysis, we know that 'high-pitched sirens' represent lying. For example, you are going to 'blow the whistle' on someone, because they've done something wrong. My guess that your wrongdoing has something to do with lying. Lying and probably cheating. I'm not exactly sure why I say this; it's just one of my Amazing gifts.

As the siren grows louder, you are actually hearing your own lies coming back to haunt you. "WHEEEEEEE", you hear the siren seem to say, "LIAR.....LIAR....LIAR....". Don't you see how obvious this is? And the fact that no one in your office can hear the siren just means that no one else in your office is as big of a liar as you are. These people are honest, hard-working people who are minding their own business. They have deadlines too, you know!

And the part about the cockroaches just means that your lies are dirty. Just like those dirty cockroaches. Yuck! You're a dirty, cheating liar! And when the cockroaches begin to scream like the siren, well that just means that you're probably going insane. According to the imminent dream psychologist, Dr. Sigmund Freud, insanity is always represented by noisy cockroaches.

My advice to you, my friend, is to quit your job, seek out a good psychiatrist, and stop being such a dirty, stinking liar!
Thanks for your letter.

This next letter was sent from a real weirdo.

And nothing pleases me more than to help

real weirdos with their weirdo dreams.


Dear The Amazing VanderHawk:

In my dream, I was hungry so I went shopping. At the supermarket, I was wandering around and placing basically normal items in my cart, but I remember specifically searching for trail mix. I then went to this section where there were cookies lying on a table. Probably the bakery area. I non-chalantly grabbed a cookie and placed it in my mouth, beginning to chew. A nasal-like female voice came over the loudspeaker and said, 'We know you have the cookie. Keep it in your mouth and come to the front of the store.' That's when I woke up.

Nichole S.
Descriptions/Uploading Dept.

Dear Nichole:

Ah, yes.
The classic 'supermarket-shopping-and-putting-cookie-in-mouth' dream. How many of us have had THIS one?

In basic dream analysis, we know that shopping in the supermarket for trail mix is symbolic of intense insecurity. The kind of crippling, debilitating, dehumanizing insecurity, that you can barely stand to even look at yourself in the mirror without feeling flushed with overwhelming, devastating, and pitiful disgust.

The idea of shopping in a supermarket, therefore, is your way of escaping your crippling insecurities, and redirecting your inadequacies toward yummy foods. You may feel like life is not worth living, but you still have Ho Hos and Moon Pies to sooth your troubled psyche.

You mention that you nonchalantly grab a cookie and place it in your mouth. This is particularly significant. According to Immanuel Kant, that most imminent of philosophers, the action of 'grabbing a cookie' usually means you have a yeast infection. Sometimes heavy, sometimes mild, it's hard to tell. It depends on the type of cookie.

The nasal-like voice you hear over the loudspeaker informing you to report to the front of the store is most likely Regis Philbin. He seems to be showing up in a lot of people's dreams lately. It's really kind of scary, if you think about it. The nasal-like voice is the tip-off. Either Regis Philbin or Richard Simmons.

And 'calling you to the front of the store' is, again symbolic. However, this symbolizes your feeling of supreme superiority over all those you have known and ever will know. By being called to the front, this is your way of saying to yourself, ' I am the greatest thing on two legs to ever grace the planet earth'. And this, coupled with your crippling insecurity, is what makes you such a basket case. It's surprising you can pull it together enough to make it through the day! My hat goes off to you, for containing your wild, erratic impulses, and pretending to be a functional, somewhat normal human being.

Thanks for your letter and have a nice day.

Finally, this last letter comes from a real headcase!

I think you'll agree with me that this is one sick puppy!


Dear Amazing Dr. VanderHawk,

I hope you can help me. My dreams get stranger every night. This morning I woke up in a panic because I thought I wet the bed. You see, every morning I dream I'm looking for a toilet in some stranger's house... and I look ... and look...only to find some butt-high beautiful medium blue with gold mosaic print tile shelf... wide enough and deep enough to sit upon... with a pothole size hole than goes down into the deepest depths of the earth... But I really have to pee. So I sit on the cold gold and blue mosaic tiles over the pothole to pee ... but I can't at first. But then I do. The noise from the pissing pee abounds as the water floods up around my ass and all over the beautiful tiles and gushes onto the floor ... pouring all over around my feet and then it drowns my twenty-five pound cat.
Then I wake up. And I really have to pee. This scares me... because I truly love my cat. What should I do?

Signed... Really having to pee in Ohio, but I don't want to drown my pussycat

Dear Really Having To Pee...

The need to urinate during a dream sequence means one thing...
You need to get up and go to the toilet!!!
Thank you for your letter.


If you have a disturbing dream that you would like to have analyzed, The Amazing VanderHawk is offering, for a limited time, free dream analysis.
Simply e-mail The Amazing VanderHawk at amazing@vanderhawk.com.*
But please, if your dream is particularly disturbing or frightening, please keep it to yourself. The Amazing VanderHawk does not want to have nightmares.

*(Please note that this site is intended for humor only, and in no way will anyone respond to your e-mails)


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